It was the feeling of pressure and anger to the extent that I couldn’t stand my life anymore!
I understood why people reach the point that they want to commit suicide!
I used to tell myself that the people who want to end their lives are fools, sinners, and are doomed for eternity! … I still do, but I realized what makes them reach that point!
It’s all about the feeling of imprisonment in surrounding events!
It’s when one is given a responsibility that he/she doesn’t want and there’s no out of it!
It’s the feeling of not being able to refuse the current situation!
It’s the feeling when the “only door” one can see out of his/her present life, would slam shut in one’s face!
At the trough of my depression, I remembered Jonah!
Jonah was given a responsibility he didn’t want, so he decided to flee from God (Jonah 1:3)!
He knows he can’t flee from God, but he thought he’d flee from the task! Just like if my manager would ask me to finish a task that I don’t want to do, so the next time I’d see him, I’d start talking about other things I’ve done, not mentioning this one specific task, hoping he’d forget or assign it to someone else, or even start a discussion how this task is useless and not needed or out of my scope and I’d flee from the task. Or when a mother asks her daughter to come home early to help her with some chores, and she’d be late pretending she forgot or actually start a fight how she’s not given the freedom to live her life, so she’d flee from the task!
First time Jonah tries to kill himself
Jonah saw a door out of his responsibility, he’ll travel to Tarshish. But God slammed that door in the face of Jonah! “The LORD sent out a great wind on the sea, and there was a mighty tempest on the sea, so that the ship was about to be broken up.” (Jonah 1:4)
When the only door Jonah saw would get him out of the responsibility closing right before his eyes, he decided he wanted to die! But Jonah knows it’s a sin to kill himself so he tried to be smart about it; “Pick me up and throw me into the sea” (Jonah 1:12)
So when he was thrown, God also closed the door of death and that door of fleeing from him!
PS. This is exactly what happened to me! I tried fleeing from my responsibility and BAAANG! that door slammed in my face!
Poor Jonah (or Mike, that is)! You ain’t goin’ nowhere! 😦
Jonah asked God to take away his life two more times!
The first in (Jonah 4:3-4)
Jonah: Now, LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.
God: Is it right for you to be angry?
… and the second in (Jonah 4:8-9)
Jonah: It would be better for me to die than to live.
God: And Is it right for you to be angry?
Jonah: “It is,” he said. “I’m so angry I wish I were dead”
In both times, God asked Jonah, “Is it right for you to be angry?”
Wanting something different from God (or even managers and parents), and not given the option to refuse is really painful! What’s more painful is the feeling of imprisonment that even when you try to flee you fail! Just like trapping a house-fly in an empty glass!
This can really make you hate life, but is it right?!
I really want to hear your thoughts!!
Update (12/7/2011): The first comment I got was from Warrioress, so I went over to check her blog. The latest post she had on her blog had an example of the despair and desperate state one could reach! She reached the point that she shot both her children!